sitting in limbo

i'm going to games day by myself.  eric won't go since its our first day on LBI. 

gov. christie has decided he will apply for the federal funding.  maybe i'll get my job back... maybe i'll make a living as a mary kay beauty consultant/aspiring writer... we shall see, won't we?

speaking of aspiring writer, i have to start sending out submissions to other publishers, too.  i've gotta put together some poetry submissions for the paris review.  i've gotta actually go through all my writing and type stuff up, edit things, you know, actually be a writer.  books and files full of writing don't publish themselves.  i have to make the effort, even if it does completely freak me out.  graham mcneill and dan abnett were right, i can't worry about what other people are going to think, and i have to be able to take criticism and turn it into improvement.  its just terrifying.  i thought i was going to vomit when i submitted my piece to the black library open submissions.  hopefully it will get less scary each time i send in a submission. 

the silence without a response is scary, though.  the black library only contacts you if they like you, which is good and bad.  good, because then i don't have to suffer the heartbreak of them telling me why they didn't like my story.  bad, because then i don't know why they didn't like my story.  i'm on pins and needles until the end of september, the end of the 8-week contact period. 

i hate when everything is up in the air. 

i haven't recieved any unemployment money yet.

i haven't heard from the black library yet.

i haven't been re-hired by paterson yet.

i'm just waiting...

as jimmy cliff and fiona apple have said...

"sitting here in limbo, but i know it won't be long.
sitting here in limbo, like a bird without a song.
well they're putting up resistance, but i know
that my faith will lead me on.
sitting here in limbo, waiting for the dice to roll.
sitting here in limbo, got some time to search my soul.
well they're putting up resistance but i know
that my faith will lead me on.
i don't know where life will lead me, but i know where i've been.
i can't say what life will show me, but i know what i've seen.
tried my hand at love and friendship, but all that is passed and gone.
this little girl is moving on.
sitting here in limbo waiting for the tide to flow.
sitting here in limbo knowing that i have to go.
well they're putting up resistance, but i know
that my faith will lead me on.
sitting in limbo..."